Finding a Spiritual Director

Self-Deception Is Invisible to the Self

The defining characteristic of self-deception is that the deceived person cannot see it. Pride is invisible to the proud; rationalization is convincing to the rationalizer. An outside perspective—someone who knows us, knows the tradition, and can see patterns we miss—is essential for identifying blind spots.

Discernment Requires Confirmation

How do you know if an experience in prayer is from God, from your own psyche, or from darker sources? Self-diagnosis is notoriously unreliable. A director trained in discernment can help test experiences against the tradition's criteria and the fruits of the Spirit.

Progress Requires Accountability

Without accountability, prayer practice easily drifts—becoming sporadic, shallow, or comfort-seeking. A director holds us to our commitments, asks difficult questions, and notices when we are coasting or avoiding.

Dangers Increase with Depth

The deeper contemplative practice goes, the greater both the potential for transformation and the potential for harm. Advanced practices involve powerful psychological and spiritual forces. Guidance becomes more necessary, not less, as the stakes increase.

The Orthodox Tradition: The Spiritual Father

In Eastern Orthodoxy, the staretz or spiritual father holds a central place. This is typically a monk or priest of deep spiritual experience who guides disciples with a combination of teaching, accountability, and occasionally very direct instruction.

The relationship often involves significant obedience—the directee submits their will to the father's guidance, particularly in matters of spiritual practice. This is not arbitrary authority but the wisdom of one who has traveled the path and can see dangers the beginner cannot.

Famous examples include the Optina elders, the startsy of Mount Athos, and figures like St. Seraphim of Sarov. The tradition emphasizes that attempting the Jesus Prayer or serious contemplative practice without such guidance is extremely dangerous.

The Ignatian Tradition: The Director

Ignatius built spiritual direction into the very structure of his Exercises. No one should make the Exercises alone; a director accompanies the retreatant, adapting the material to their needs and helping them discern the movements of consolation and desolation.

Ignatian direction tends to be more structured than some forms, often involving regular meetings with clear agendas—reviewing prayer, noticing movements, making decisions. The director is trained in the Ignatian rules for discernment and helps the directee apply them.

The Jesuits have developed extensive training programs for spiritual directors, making this tradition particularly accessible. Many retreat centers offer Ignatian-trained directors, and the 19th Annotation—the Exercises in daily life—has made direction available beyond the traditional 30-day retreat.

The Carmelite Tradition: The Learned Director

Teresa of Avila famously said she would rather have a learned director who knew nothing of mysticism than an unlearned mystic who couldn't properly discern. The Carmelite tradition emphasizes that directors must be trained in the tradition's teaching—especially its careful analysis of states of prayer and its warnings about delusion.

John of the Cross wrote extensively about the dangers of poor direction—directors who misunderstand the dark night, who encourage experiences rather than virtue, who project their own experience onto the directee. The right director, conversely, can recognize authentic transitions and support the soul through difficult purifications.

Carmelite direction focuses particularly on prayer itself—what happens during prayer, transitions between stages, and the discernment of spiritual experiences. Directors are often members of the Carmelite Order or trained in its tradition.

1. Start with Prayer

Ask God to lead you to the right director. This is an important relationship; don't rush it. Pray specifically for guidance, and remain attentive to promptings and possibilities that arise.

2. Consider Your Tradition

If you are drawn to a particular contemplative tradition, seek a director trained in that tradition. An Ignatian director will approach things differently than an Orthodox spiritual father or a Carmelite-trained guide. Match matters.

3. Explore Available Resources

Possible sources for directors include:

• Retreat centers (many maintain lists of trained directors)
• Jesuit provinces and schools (for Ignatian direction)
• Carmelite communities and retreat houses
• Orthodox monasteries and experienced priests
• Diocesan spiritual direction programs
• Spiritual Directors International (ecumenical)

4. Ask and Interview

Most directors will meet once or twice to see if there is a good fit. Use this time to ask about their training, their approach, their familiarity with contemplative prayer. Share your own practice and goals. Pay attention to whether you feel heard and whether you can be honest with this person.

5. Start and Evaluate

Begin meeting regularly—monthly is typical—and evaluate the relationship over time. Is it bearing fruit? Do you feel challenged as well as supported? Is the focus on God rather than on the director? After six months to a year, you'll have a clearer sense of whether this relationship is right.

The Director Makes It About Them

If sessions frequently focus on the director's experiences, opinions, or needs, something is wrong. Direction is about you and your relationship with God, not the director.

Inappropriate Boundaries

Direction involves vulnerable sharing, but it is not friendship, romance, or therapy. Any blurring of boundaries—excessive contact, personal relationship development, physical intimacy—is a serious red flag.

Excessive Control

While the Orthodox tradition involves significant obedience, even there the relationship should not become controlling or abusive. Direction that demands obedience in all life matters, isolates you from other relationships, or creates unhealthy dependency has gone wrong.

Claims of Special Authority

Beware directors who claim special revelations, unique authority, or exemption from normal accountability. Authentic directors are humble about their role and remain themselves under direction and authority.

Encouraging Experiences Over Virtue

A director who focuses on producing spiritual experiences rather than growth in virtue is leading you astray. As John of the Cross warned, such direction feeds spiritual vanity rather than genuine transformation.

Violation of Confidentiality

What you share in direction is confidential. Any violation of this trust—gossip, sharing details without permission, using your story for their purposes—is unacceptable.

1. Pray Persistently for a Director

This is a legitimate and important prayer intention. God knows you need guidance; ask Him to provide it. Continue asking even while using the alternatives below.

2. Consider Remote Direction

Many directors now offer sessions by phone or video. This is not ideal—something is lost when not meeting in person—but it is far better than no direction at all. Look for directors at major retreat centers who offer this service.

3. Find a Wise Companion

A mature Christian who prays seriously—a priest, a religious, an experienced lay person—may be able to provide some level of guidance even without formal training. Be clear about the limitations, but don't underestimate the value of holy wisdom.

4. Use the Written Tradition

The great masters have left detailed guidance in their writings. Study Ignatius's Rules for Discernment, John of the Cross's signs for transitions in prayer, the hesychast fathers on the Jesus Prayer. The tradition itself can provide a form of guidance when personal direction is unavailable.

5. Proceed More Slowly and Cautiously

Without direction, proceed more conservatively than you would with guidance. Avoid advanced practices until you have oversight. When in doubt, stay with simpler, safer forms of prayer. The tradition will still be there when you find a director.

6. Make an Annual Retreat

Even if ongoing direction isn't possible, an annual directed retreat provides intensive guidance. Use this time to get your bearings, discuss significant questions, and receive direction that can sustain you through the year.

Does my director have to be ordained?

Not necessarily. Many excellent directors are religious brothers or sisters, or lay people with formal training. The Orthodox tradition typically involves ordained monks or priests, but other traditions are more flexible. Training and wisdom matter more than ordination status.

Can I have a director from a different tradition than my own?

Possible, but not ideal. A director should understand your tradition's practices and language. An Orthodox Christian receiving Ignatian direction (or vice versa) may encounter confusion. If cross-tradition direction is necessary, ensure the director respects your tradition and doesn't try to change it.

Is spiritual direction the same as confession?

No. Confession (the Sacrament of Reconciliation) involves confessing sins and receiving absolution. Direction focuses on the broader spiritual life—prayer, discernment, growth. A priest-director may offer both, but they are distinct. Confession addresses sin; direction addresses the whole relationship with God.

What if I disagree with my director?

Discuss it openly. Disagreement is not necessarily a problem—it may lead to deeper understanding. However, if you consistently reject your director's guidance while asking for it, examine your motivations. If genuine incompatibility persists, it may be time to find a different director.

Can a married person give spiritual direction?

Yes. While traditionally many directors have been celibate religious, trained married lay people can be excellent directors. What matters is formation, wisdom, and a mature life of prayer—not marital status.