WASHINGTON, D.C.—Biden tried to warn us. He’s been sounding the alarm for weeks now, desperately trying to alert the nation to a grave threat to our national security: ULTRA MAGA. But no one took him seriously, figuring he was just off his meds again. But no—he was actually speaking clearly for the first time in his life.
For lo, a danger to all humanity has appeared above the D.C. skyline: ULTRA MAGA MAN, the final form of dangerous former president, insurrectionist, and taco bowl enthusiast Donald Trump. Having finally absorbed the powers of his defeated haters and all the “sad, pathetic losers” he’s roasted over the years, Trump morphed into the most powerful version of himself yet.
“His powers, they’re—they’re off the charts!” shouted one scientist operating an energy detection device in the streets below. “We’ve never seen power of this magnitude! We’re all going to die! Run for your
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